Monday, September 19, 2005


Hey guys,
Someone forwarded this to me. Being mainly Melbournians, I thought I'd pass this gem on to you, lets spread our pride and snobbery o'er land and sea...across the great world wide web...

...hope you like...




Sydneysiders are reeling this morning over news that Al Qaeda has announced Melbourne as a possible new target of their worlwide campaign to scare the piss out of people.

This is being seen as a major snub in social and political circles of the 2000 Olympic City, and leading Sydneysiders are calling on Al Qaeda to reconsider their choice of future targets.

The Al Qaeda announcement is also expected to make it even harder for Sydney poltiicians to redirect millions of taxpayer dollars from spending on education, child care and medicines for the elderly to buy CCTV cameras and other anti-terror related security measures.

"It's terrible news," said one Sydney security specialist who has been campaigning for the NSW government to spend $100 million on his line of robot dogs that sniff out bombs concealed in the buttholes of Islamomaniac poodles.

If Sydneysiders are disappointed by the Al Qaeda snub then Melbournians are absolutely gloating at the news that hit front pages and headlines around the world today.

Fashionistas down south claim the Al Qaeda announcement is yet another sign of just how 'cool' Melbourne had become.

"Obviously even Al Qaeda knows Melbourne is the city to be seen in if you have any taste at all," said socialite Rita Tayor. "Melbourne is so cool right now, everybody is flocking here, even bomb-happy, kill-crazy matyrs who hate our freedom."

An Al Qaeda spokesman has confirmed that Melbourne was chosen over Sydney because it is now seen internationally as the 'IT' Australian city of today.

"Sydney is, like, so over," said Al Qaeda media whiz Al Asuquf. "Well, not over, like bombed to hell over. Just over as a fashionable target for self-detonating suiciders."

"We do monitor what's hot and what's not in terms of the world's great cities," said Asuquf, "and Melbourne is definitely hot. We don't want to be seen as being out of touch with fashion trends, and so Melbourne was an obvious choice as the Australian city to honour with a September 11 anniversary threat of looming carnage and mayhem."

Australian Prime Minister John Howard said the new Al Qaeda threat confirmed the necessary validity of his plan to track terrorist suspects by satellite, install 'hate thought' detectors in peoples' brains and lock up four year old children fleeing war zones until they learn what Free Australia actually means.

"When you're dealing with terrorists who hate our freedom," said Howard, "it is vitally important to stand up to their threats by restricting the freedoms of Australians as much as possible, to show the terrorists that we will freely continue to fire bomb Muslims from the sky with our freedom jets until the whole world is free."

In the US, President George W Bush celebrated the September 11 anniversary by opening a string of new freedom-related enterprises. Bush oversaw the ribbon cutting ceremonies at the new Freedom Juice Company, the Freedom Jail for Jihadic Newborns, the Freedom Torture Centre and the plush new Freedom Execution Hall.

Bush has also endorsed a new line of products to help fight terror, including Freedom Shackles, the Freedom Infant Decapitator Bomb, Freedom Napalm and Freedom Testicle Electrocuters.

"We have always loved freedom, we continue to love freedom and we will never stop loving freedom," said Bush, who loves freedom, during ceremonies to officially announce that September 11 will now be known as 'Freedom Day'.

"To celebrate Freedom Day every free citizen of free Western society will be required by threat of torture and detention to freely celebrate their freedom by being free and freely repeating 'I love freedom' one hundred times," said Bush.

"Being free requires the strict enforcement of free laws to enforce freedom," Bush said. "You cannot be free unless there are free laws to make sure you are being free correctly."

Both Bush and Howard have also denied rumoured plans to build a 100 foot tall wall completely encircling Iran, Iraq and Syria to create the 'Republic of Freedomistan'.

"I thoroughly, and freely, reject these scandalous lies," said Howard at the joint media conference. "But all options are still on the table."

Bush then searched under the table before asking Howard, "I can see the media but where's the joint?"


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